How Self-Talk Could Ignite Self-Transformation
A friend of mine asked me last time we talked, “How could you find things you want? You seem to know the path where you want to go.” It has been some weeks, and honestly, I forgot my answer to her. I probably answered with some regular politically correct answer, “I learn to follow my passion”. Now that I am thinking about her questions, “But how? How did it start”. Certainly, there was a point in my life where I seemed okay from the outside in my late 20s— having a good job as an engineer and financially dependent, but inside I was a mess.
My late 20s
I started to feel like a robot. Waking up, getting ready, going to work, watching series after work, going to bed, and repeating it all over again. I had the job I love — I love engineering, solving problems every day makes me feel alive. However, it seemed like I can’t solve my deep personal unknown problems. I don’t know exactly what I wanted.
I started to travel by myself. My mother always ask me this when I told her that I go somewhere alone, “Whom you will talk to? Won’t you feel lonely?” Her question always makes me laugh. As an introvert, I never have a problem with that. Solo travel is my prime time to enjoy the ultimate freedom: choosing the destination, deciding what to do every single day on the trip, and not thinking about chores or what to cook.
I noticed the difference to be in a new place and staying in my apartment. I am both alone, but the brain seemed to work differently because of the new environment. Instead of asking thinking about the usual stuff, I started the self-talk and asked questions to myself. “I want to stay at the hotel today, just to read.” or “I want to eat something simple and small from the supermarket.” or “I want to eat something fancy today at this restaurant.” Then I thought, “Huh, why don’t I talk with myself before, why not regularly.”
Back from vacation, my routine started again. My life had a system that had been established —I could not figure out by whom. By the end of this daily system, journaling is one of the most enjoyable moments I give to myself. Things I write has gradually evolved. In the beginning, it was me rewinding the day events, with a little bit of emotional detail. The self-talk has changed that. I am not focusing on the events, but the centre of the story is me: who I was, what I felt, and things I learned from the event that just happened that day.
I summarized the interesting self-talk from the last six years journals in this article. While they might sound negative, surprisingly, these were the self-talk that made me to rethink who I am and what I want in my life.
“I’m just one person.”
When I wrote this sentence on my journal — of course more than once, I was frustrated. I feel that the intention of life is about being kind to everyone and being successful by fulfilling the social norm. Life feels heavy with all to-do lists to get people’s validation.
Then comes the following self-talk and questions: What do I need to do for myself? Are things I do today worth it for me?
When these questions are repeatedly questioned by me — and to me, I feel that I regain my power. I am one person with full authority to decide what is best for me. If I decide to do something for others, is because I want it to, not because of the social norm or expecting their validation.
“I don’t like this.”
When things do not match something in me, I don’t like it. The something is apparent to be my self-value. It is part of the culture where I was raised: we are not supposed to complain, keep it for ourselves, fix it by ourselves if we can. Expressing the dislike is interpreted as impolite — especially to someone older or someone with higher social/work status.
I am not talking about disliking certain food or product. After being in the job for three years, I disliked what I feel about myself at work. It felt stagnant and everything has become a routine. I realized that I want something different, but I still don’t know exactly what I have to do. At the same time, I still want to keep my job. Quitting a job for me means moving into things I would like to do, not running away from a job I dislike.
Because of the frustration and the need to get inspiration, I spent time connecting with colleagues from different functions. Even once I talked to a passenger next to me on a flight. This random networking led me to pursue my MBA degree — I will write separately about my MBA experience, promise! I realize that life can change so much more than I can imagine, when I feel, “I don’t like this.” I see this sentence as a natural sign within me that I need to analyze carefully.
“Is something wrong with me? Wait.. I am actually good”
It is embarrassing but worth telling: there was a point in my life when I feel my self-worth was defined by the number of followers and likes on my Instagram posts. When I see some of my friends posting beautiful selfies or model-like photos, I envy them. The thing is: I don’t want to do that either.
I started to have an Instagram account in 2013 when it was still a great photography platform. People shared about travelling, foods, unique products and so on. I use Instagram to store my travelling photos. It has become another journaling format where I can revisit some time in the future. That’s why I decided to keep my account and post photos from my recent travel.
The advantage of self-talk is to stand by my own purpose, while thousands of people — I exaggerate without statistical data, do the opposite. Self-talk is about revisiting my value, my own goal, my dream, and being purely honest with myself. This feels like the importance of doing physical exercise. I could fall into unreasonable jealousy while I am different from others, then I need to remind myself again.
It has been almost six years since I started my regular self-talk. Now, it has expanded with guided meditation — still hard for me to do independent mediation :’) While getting external inputs can certainly be inspirational, the hardest part of moving to the self-transformation phase is reevaluating our value. We know the best for ourselves. One thing I believe: pure and honest self-talk opens many doors of opportunities to be the better and greater version of ourselves.
